My Own Worst Enemy

A Gazebo Built from Salvaged Western Fir

It took me about a year and a half to build the pentagon gazebo pictured above. I did it at my own pace with no firm deadline. I milled the finer pieces from the larger members I salvaged. I planned it out as I went depending on the materials I had on hand. Some days I would just contemplate how to get the effect I wanted. There was no reason to rush other than wanting to see if completed. I didn’t push myself if it wasn’t a good day to work on it. If other things needed tending, I would let the project sit.

This was one of several projects I have been working on in the past few years. I work at it on my own schedule and have set my own completion dates. In other words, no firm deadlines. Success is completing the project while avoiding sensory overload not necessarily meeting a firm deadline.

In the last little while I have been quite successful in managing to keep my sensory overload under control. It has allowed me to participate in activities that normally would have put me into sensory overload. Ensuring that I have a proper down time to off load the effects of the day is a daily necessity. That makes it possible to begin each day with minimal residual effects from the day before. The longer I can manage to avoid sensory overload the greater my tolerance becomes.

There have been a number of strategies that I make a point of remembering.

• Pay attention to the signals my body gives me when I am approaching sensory overload.
• Pace myself by anticipating the sensory loading specific activities will have on me.
• Schedule rest breaks before my body give me signals.

This is all fine and good as long as I remain vigilant and remain within my limits. Having had a very good run lately of avoiding sensory overload can easily lead to one of two problems.

First, I find myself going into denial. I’m not experiencing noticeable side effects and begin to tell myself that the TBI challenges have been cured. Even though I know that while I can expect improvement, there is a certain amount of permanent damage.

Second, I get careless. I think being a bit careless is somewhat excusable. I have successfully navigated a number of activities lately without experiencing sensory loading challenges. A big part of the success comes from being able to start each day with the sensory loading of the previous day having been ‘off loaded’ through proper rest and down time.

Ignoring what I shouldn’t have Ignored

The Underside of the Gazebo

When I’m on my own schedule I find I don’t get careless about monitoring my sensory loading. I will change up my activity a few times during the day. The change in activity will make me more aware of signals my body gives me. By changing activities I don’t get overly absorbed into one activity and end of ignoring everything else around me, including how I personally am faring.

However, a couple days ago I was working on a volunteer carpentry project. I was working in tandem with a second person. Near the end of completing one of the tasks my body was giving me signals that I needed to take a break. The work was cognitively more demanding than I had anticipated. We were building a partition in a cramped part of the building. This meant that the normal method of preparing the section of wall wasn’t possible. Instead each stud had to be measured, the studs had to be nailed in place in the right order so as to not “paint ourselves into a corner”. And each stud had to be cut at a precise length to facilitate the process of toe-nailing the wood in place.

I should have taken a break as soon as I noticed the first signals. However, that meant disrupting the work with my partner. So against my better judgement I pushed ahead, figuring that part of the job was almost done.

When I did stop for a break, it was too late to expect to get anymore work done that day. I was way past the point a realizing quick recovery. Instead I slept for about an hour and then headed home. I was dealing with all the side effects of being into sensory overload. There’s nothing like regret once the consequences of a bad decision hits home. I took it easy all evening and seemed to be on the mend.

Next Day

The next morning, being Sunday morning I decided I had recovered enough to attend a worship service. Normally I would have stayed home the day following a sensory overload incident. Just for good measure. However, today was a special event so I wanted to be part of it. No sooner did the worship service begin, and the first notes of the song reach me that I realized I was no where near having recuperated. I made a hasty exit.

I am the vine. You are the branches.

I had recently managed to make it through a few worship services and had been able to tolerate the live music. Today clearly wasn’t good since I was still carrying the sensory loading from the previous day.

I ended up modifying my activities for the balance of the day. I was able to listen in for the speaking parts of the liturgy. The lunch that was served after the service I ate in a quiet area of the building. Even walking through the hall where the food was being served and eaten by the rest of the people was a challenge. I was thankful when someone offered to take my empty plate to the kitchen for me. I didn’t have to enter the noisy hall one extra time. Once I got home I spent some time outside. The minus 8 Celsius with a slight breeze was fine. The rhythmic activity of clearing snow was just what I needed. I cleared the driveway. I cleared the walkways. I cleared parts of the roof. The minimal cognitive demands, the quietness of the outdoors and the vigorous physical workout was just what I needed.

Setting my Own Schedule

In looking back on the past two days there was one simple thing that interfered with the proper monitoring of my sensory loading. Instead of being on my own schedule I was trying to fit into a schedule that didn’t work for me. Wanting to complete the project so I wouldn’t disappoint others. Except they would have understood if I had bowed out early. At heart it was me trying to not disappoint myself. I wanted the satisfaction of having completed the project. And the next day I didn’t want to miss out on the special event.

Conclusion

It’s so easy to be one’s own worst enemy. I know I need to monitor my sensory loading. I know where the ‘trouble spots’ are. But it takes less effort to deny my TBI and hope to carry on without consequences. That just doesn’t work. Managing my sensory loading is an ongoing job. I can’t take a holiday from that task.

So meanwhile I need to be mindful of my activities and the level of engagement for the next week. I need to intentionally work at clearing my brain of the sensory loading so I can get back to a point where each day becomes a fresh start. A fresh start rather than starting the day with my normal endurance being compromised.

I have a plane trip booked in a little over a week. I need to actively plan my days to clear the backlog of sensory loading. I don’t want to spend the better part of my holiday out of the country recuperating from my one misguided decision.

Jasper Hoogendam (c) January 2020

Icicles on the underside of the Gazebo

Escape Plan

Ready to roll – new drive train, accessories attached

In my recent session with my OT we spent over an hour developing an escape plan. While I have looked at many aspects in preparing for a successful Sea to Sea trek across Canada, I had not thought about developing an escape plan. Why? Well I was thinking in terms of success, not planning for failure.

I know from experience, that with my ABI, effective problem solving is a real challenge. Effective problem solving when I most need it, when I am in a situation in which I am dealing with severe sensory overload, will most certainly fail me. In failing me, it will likely create embarrassment for me, put extra demands on other people, result in poor decisions, in short it will likely make matters worse.

Get me out of here

The challenge of starting the trip so far away from home is that I can’t just quit after a difficult week or two and get a quick ride home. So, I have worked through a plan of how to exit the Sea to Sea tour ‘gracefully’ should it be necessary. I have settled on the likely exit points: Calgary, Regina, Winnipeg, Michigan, Owen Sound, Ottawa, Charlottetown. Each possible exit point comes with certain supports to minimize the potential challenges.

After developing the various exit points it gave me a sense of assurance. It took away the fear or anxiety of possibly creating a crisis should I find it too difficult to continue. With my fears reduced that is one less factor to weigh me down and in turn give me more energy to channel in a positive way – turning my pedals to keep me moving.

How do I know how I’m doing

In order to not end up exiting prematurely or at all, I need to know how I’m doing. Failing to properly gauge myself will result in being blindsided. With six days cycling and one day rest for each of the 10 weeks I need to be mindful of maintaining my reserves.

What to look for:

• if I experience vertigo at the end of a ride or at rest stop I know I need to reduce my pace.
• if I experience fatigue on waking, ride at a reduced pace that whole day. The thrill of biking once I get moving can falsely mask the fatigue and in turn show up in the form of greater fatigue the next morning.
• if I am not sleeping well I need to reduce my pace. With too much physical demands it becomes harder to relax and sleep properly.
• if I experience an increase in emotional loading, it will signal that I’m am not able to recover from the physical demands of the day or I need to curb some of the additional activities that could be causing the sensory overload.

Strategies for avoiding ‘trouble’

Even though I have done a four day ‘warm up’ bike trip, I need to be prepared for the unexpected. While I am aware of some of the activities that contribute to my sensory loading, there will be new activities which I need to be mindful of. For that reason I need to re-evaluate on a daily basis.

There are some simple strategies that I have agreed on that will hopefully stand me in good stead. I will schedule a nap as soon as I get into camp each day. From experience I know that after a physically strenuous day, I will likely be restless the first part of the night before sleeping better the second half. So it would make sense that a pre-sleep session should help make the whole night restful.

Riding in a large group can create a greater sense of camaraderie, but experience tells me that it will add significantly to my sensory loading putting me at risk of sensory overload. So, riding with no more than four cyclists would be advisable.

I’m going to have to see about the weekend celebrations as the tour is scheduled to hit a major centre each weekend to connect with supporters and donors. Participating in that might be a non-starter.

Despite the many contingencies that I have looked at, I find that cycling helps to dissipate much of the sensory loading that builds up as the day progresses. It seems like the physical, rhythmic action of cycling, along with the slower and simpler way of seeing the countryside provides relief and healing.

After analyzing all the different things that could go wrong, I actually found it to be a positive and a reassuring activity.

I have found some quotes about failure that are appropriate to different aspect of my upcoming bike trek:

“Failure isn’t fatal, but failure to change might be” – John Wooden

“Failing to plan is planning to fail.” – Winston Churchill